Amanda Cain

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I just realized that in a little over two months my little baby isn't going to be a teenager any longer. He's going to be 20! It's amazing and a little odd to think about. I still see that little toddler in the social services office from all those years ago when I look at him. I want to get him a gift.

Do I have a right to do such a thing though? I've tried commenting on his journal here and there, but I can't help but feel I'm intruding. Johnny and his wife did an amazing job raising Abel. Should I really keep trying to put myself in his life? I'm positive I'm being selfish.

Dammit! I want to be selfish! I want to get to know him. I just...
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I'm thinking I'm going to ask my if I can get some extra shifts at my jobs. There is something I need to get.

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Easter came and went and I didn't do what I'd hyped myself into doing. I had hyped myself into going and talking with Johnny about Abel. I just... Does Johnny realize I'm here? I've spoken with Abel over the journals and so he knows. I ran into him once last year and got to see him then, but he didn't know it was me. And I've saw him this year, but he didn't know then either. Of course then I never actually approached him.

I bet Johnny will throw a fit once I do talk to him. Abel is an adult now though and so in the long run it really all depends on what he wants to do.
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Courage... I have a distinct lack of it and I should fix that.

Ugh. I'm tired of this weather. It makes me miss California. I'm sure they're enjoying some sun and warm weather. It so needs to be spring here and then I'll enjoy it more. Not that I'd ever dream of moving back to California what with Abel being here and all. Cold weather and me really don't mix well. Plus I was hoping that my heavy coat would hold out until the end of winter, but I'm starting to think it might not. Blah. Guess I need to find a nice second hand shop soon and see if they still have any heavy coats out.

Please start to warm up and get sunny now, ok? Lots of people would be happy if you did!

You know it is odd to think that it is the year 2011. I know that I've been hearing a lot of uproar in both my jobs about the new Zodiac sign and how a lot of things got shoved around because of it. Everyone seems to have something to say about it and who it does and doesn't effect. It seems like there are multiple different stories out there about it. It actually kind of reminds me of the controversy over Pluto and then the whole Y2K debacle. I really don't understand getting so worked up over something so small.

Of course I've never really cared about the Zodiac signs to begin with. I couldn't even tell you what sign I fall under. Though I know that there are people I could tell my birthday to who could quite quickly tell me what it is and probably various other little things. Still to let something rule so much of your life, something so minor, I just don't get it. I let the drugs and alcohol rule my life for too long and now I'm not about to let some sign take up more of it.

Ah, the joys of having an evening off. I can't quite decide what I want to do with it. Should I do what I know is right and get the grocery shopping done now why I have plenty of time? Or should I rent myself a nice movie, pop some popcorn, grab a soda and have myself a night in? Oh the choices I have to make. Is it sad that I'm leaning toward the second idea despite being out of some important things like milk and bread? Sigh.

Can anyone recommend a good movie? I can use one of those little kiosks you can find at the grocery stores and hit two things up in one go.

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Why can't I just comment to him? I don't have to say who I am. I'm sure I could think of something to say to him. Of course I do always find myself saying things that I shouldn't. I'm positive that he doesn't recognize me. I do look different. Very different.

God, I've been clean how long now? Going on two years. It still feels like I just stopped though. Why is it so hard? Probably because I don't have a good support system.

And because I worry about Abel. It reminds me that using calms me down. I promised myself I wouldn't though. He's what's kept me clean for this long. I've missed his entire life.
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And time to go to work! It's always a busy day for me when I barely have time to get home, clean up and go to my next job.

I knew better than to agree to pick up someone else's shift when I was already working and had an early day at my other job the next day, but I have a hard time saying no. Plus the pay for working a double is pretty good and I can always do with a little extra cash. I'm home now and I should be asleep because I have to be up around 5:30ish this morning. Problem is?

I'm wired.

Damn.

So now what am I going to do? I thought I was going to crash the whole last hour and a half of my shift and now I feel like I won't get to sleep until late this morning and I can't have that. I also can't take a sleeping pill to help because I don't have enough time. I guess that means I need to invest in some energy drinks.

Can anyone recomment some good ones? Something besides coffee and those Monster drinks or the 5-hour energy things (which are disgusting).

I sometimes think that perhaps I over thought things when I named my only child. Not that I don't like his name, far from it. But I was in a bad point in my life. Honestly a lot of my life has been bad, but I guess I could say that was closer to the start of it. But I'm getting away from my original point which is what I named my son. I named my son Abel. Does anyone see anything significant in the name? I'm not particularly religious, but the story of Cain and Abel is one that stayed with me for a number of years. Perhaps it stuck with me so much because of my own last name, Cain.

Cain was the older brother of Abel. In a fit of jealousy Cain killed his own brother. I did not kill my son, but I certainly didn't help him either. My son was born early and sickly because of the things I did. I was told that there was a chance he could die, that my actions had killed my son. In my mind I was Cain to my very own Abel.

But unlike the Abel in the story mine didn't die. He lived and is still living and I refuse to continue to be the Cain in his story. And while it's hard it is something I am committed to and I refuse to falter again. I love you, Abel, even if I can't say that to your face yet.

( Amanda Cain )